When the Single Bells toll

 Right now, I admit that I felt a tinge of envy once again when I found out that a dear friend of mine is taken. I honestly admit that despite the fact that I'm not yet ready to be in a relationship as I want to heal from my past trauma, there are times where I would fall into societal pressure to get a boyfriend especially at my age and it doesn't help that certain thoughts have entered my mind:

"What if all your friends fall in love and leave you behind?"

"What happens when you grow older, who will take care of you?"

"No one wants to be with you because you're too loud/annoying/exciteable/emotional/childish/so-and-so..."

And there I was again, drowning in a spiral of shame and terrible past memories where I was reminded that I will always be the backup, the third wheel, that weird girl and the kid with no friends. This attack happened once, last year and almost spoiled my trip to Aqua Planet. Now it's back again, and I admit that it will always happen-so I need to deal with it, before something happens.

And there, I realized that I was dealing with my sins and my trauma alone and the fact that I still thought of God as a deity who would treat me like what happened to Job in the Bible, minus the last part where he returned to Job twice what he has lost. I guess all this pain, including what happened in the Guardian Tales post series was God's way of telling me that I can't fight sin and trauma alone. That it's a losing fight no matter how I grind and the only way to overcome them is to have faith in Him.

Maybe one day, I will prove this post wrong. That I, along with God will slay the many heads of sin in my heart just like what I experienced in Expo. Back then in my old guild, I was the only one attacking the raid bosses-and I left since it didn't make sense anymore to fight alone as I can't even beat them quickly. And in this moment, God reminded me through GT-that in every battle of life, even if it seems we are alone-that is not true as God is always with us.